Okay, but remember… you asked for honesty.
I don’t like it.
It reads as being very simple… like you’re just repeating the same idea over and over. I think it would work better as free verse instead of trying to force it into such a specific rhyme pattern. If I were going to re write this, here’s how I would begin…
“MY BINOCULARS
You’ve been gone for some time now,
but I still remember you as a man generous and giving.”
Something like that, with the whole structure changed.
d_smiley1 Said,
I couldn’t find the rythym first read through, but then when I read each line as thoug it was two lines, I was much happier. what I mean is, turn each two line stanza into four lines to show the “beat”.
I great poem, be proud of your work.
Ashley C Said,
how cute! i love it!!!
*Suga* Said,
I liked it. Its wonderful how you can take the time out to remember someone special. The poem was different from what I write but alot of people use your method of writing and it was good.
bsharpbflatbnatural Said,
What a positive poem. I had a grandma like that. I totally enjoyed it. I caught the flow and rhythm instantly. You did an excellent job. It is something in a frame with my grandfather’s picture or in the news paper as a tribute to him. I might change the title. It is about your grandfather, not the binoculars.
MooMoo Said,
it was great!!! i loved it!!! good job!
MISSKINKY Said,
its an okay poem just its not deep…you see its about a grandchild missing his grandfather and to me the poem seems to be too casual honey
Comments
I love it!!! Great poem.
Okay, but remember… you asked for honesty.
I don’t like it.
It reads as being very simple… like you’re just repeating the same idea over and over. I think it would work better as free verse instead of trying to force it into such a specific rhyme pattern. If I were going to re write this, here’s how I would begin…
“MY BINOCULARS
You’ve been gone for some time now,
but I still remember you as a man generous and giving.”
Something like that, with the whole structure changed.
I couldn’t find the rythym first read through, but then when I read each line as thoug it was two lines, I was much happier. what I mean is, turn each two line stanza into four lines to show the “beat”.
I great poem, be proud of your work.
how cute! i love it!!!
I liked it. Its wonderful how you can take the time out to remember someone special. The poem was different from what I write but alot of people use your method of writing and it was good.
What a positive poem. I had a grandma like that. I totally enjoyed it. I caught the flow and rhythm instantly. You did an excellent job. It is something in a frame with my grandfather’s picture or in the news paper as a tribute to him. I might change the title. It is about your grandfather, not the binoculars.
it was great!!! i loved it!!! good job!
its an okay poem just its not deep…you see its about a grandchild missing his grandfather and to me the poem seems to be too casual honey